Goodbye to Michael

It has been four months since I had the total hysterectomy.  I see my scar and I think about the fact that it wasn't a child, but it was my uterus that was "delivered".  It is hurtful. I don't think I will ever get over this hurt. It is something that I will carry. It is a sorrow that will always be with me, weighing down my heart.  I have a small section in my bedroom for my "Michael Anthony".  I know that if I had a child it would have been a boy.  He would have had large dark eyes, and a cute little button nose. His smile would light up a room. I am upset that I will not get to meet this child, but I know in another time, in another life, I will meet him.  I have a statue of St. Michael the Archangel, next to a candle and a teddy bear. I see it every day. I am greiving this loss. At the same time, it is allowing me to acknowledge his "existence" in some way. I have already loved a child I do not have.
With time, however this loss is becoming more of a memory and less of a cut that was just inflicted.  I hope he knows that I did try to hang in there as long as I could.  I tried to "ignore" the pain I was in, and pretend that it wasn't impacting my life. I knew I would eventually find a doctor who would help me. That help never came. The truth is that the help wasn't meant to be.
Thanks to a pervert in my life a long time ago, he saw to it that he would satisfy himself, and destroy my dreams of ever having my own blood family.  He filled his need, while depleting my hopes.  That is however, what my other blog is meant for. I will not get too much into this fact now. 
Yes I had the endometriosis, but it was however complicated.
Well R.I.P. my little baby boy who was never meant to be. Ironic how the first name of my doctor is Michael.