The Roles That Bind

In life we take journeys. When a person thinks about a journey, they think about a trip they could take, like somewhere in Europe, or the Pacific Islands. I have been on several trips like these, but the most important journey would be the longest one I will ever take. This journey is the journey to health, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Being ill, especially over the past few years has taught me a few things. First of all, you cannot heal physically, without healing mentally. You cannot heal mentally if you do not heal spiritually and so on. You cannot ignore any of these important aspects. The same way that your eye color does not make up your entire description, neither do these three aspects of you. They are all equally as important and no matter what you believe in, as long as you have faith in something, you will be okay.
I first become ill when I was in my early 20's. I was in so much pain. All I wanted to do was go to work, and date my boyfriend. We would go for walks, but these walks became harder and harder. I had so much pressure on my back. I felt like I was carrying a load on my back. Without realizing it, when I was 24, I actually got a car that I could barely afford, because I couldn't walk two blocks to get to the bus stop. Denial is a beautiful thing. I kept figuring I was just tired.  I kept telling myself that the pain would stop. It would get better. I had to tell myself these things. This is what the doctors kept telling me, after all.
I had my first gynochologist appointment when I was 21 years old. I saw the same doctor that saw my mother. I figured he would know her history, so maybe he could help me. I told him how terrible my pain was when I was walking.  I explained to him how it always got worse around my period time, to a point where I would be on the floor. I told him that I kept bleeding through four pads. None of this seemed to matter to him. He told me, "You are like your mama", in a thick accent.  He told me to lose weight. At this time I weighed 135 pounds and I was 5 foot 6. I know this is obese, but I didn't think so. I was a normal size, but to him all my problems stemmed from my weight, and I was anxious about the pain and I was anticipating it, which always made it worse.  This was the beginning of my feeling insane.
I felt pain, and I felt guilty about it. I was "thinking about it" too much. I was feeling too sorry for myself. After all, isn't this Eve's lot in life? To have pain and suffering in childbirth? But then, what about these times? What about the times that you weren't giving birth, but had pain that was so intense that you felt that you could have? Then I was upset with God. How could God, who loves you so much, punish you for something that some chick named "Eve" did? The doctor did tell me it was "the woman's lot in life".
I knew plenty of young women around my age that did not understand me. They thought I was being anti-social when I made plans with them and then had to cancel. I normally canceled at the last minute. I lied to these young friends. I lost many of them. When they asked me if I wanted to go bowling, or do anything fun, of course I said yes. I loved going out. I loved having fun. I wasn't the type of person to go to clubs and bars, but I was willing to do anything else. I was a young woman and I wanted to be normal. The fact is, that I wasn't normal. I wasn't like the other young women I knew. I had the same energy they had, and the same gusto for life and having fun, but my body held me back. I became a prisoner to this invisible pain that was to be my "lot in life", pre-ordained by God.
I doubted myself. I doubted the pain that I felt. I doubted God's love. I just didn't care anymore. Let it happen. There was nothing I could do about it. The problem with this attitude, is that, when you are ill, and you do nothing about it, not by choice, but due to bad doctor judgement calls, the illness gets worse. I realize this now. If there would be a piece of advice I would impart to a young woman around 21, or even to the younger version of myself it would be this. There are massogonistic and sadistic doctors out there. They become doctors, but they are not in it for the right reason. They have warped ideologies, and should not be doctors at all. They are here to hurt you, not to help you. These types of doctors are a special kind of evil. They smile and collect your copayment and insurance payment, and do nothing. They tell you that you are obese when you are not. Young woman, listen to your body. Your body is warning you that something is not right. Run away from this doctor, because he will not and cannot help you. I am not sure the reason for it, but you must trust me on this one. Run far away, and find a doctor who will listen to you. He or she is out there just waiting for you. You are the one case they will have in their life that they will always remember, and when they do finally help you, you will always remember them for the rest of your life.