Suffering through menopause

Here I am. It's after 4am and I am still awake. My body is exhausted. I need to rest, and I can't. I do not regret having the surgery. I feel much better, but I feel like the night mocks me. She knows I need sleep, but won't allow me to. This is a direct result of having a hysterectomy, when your biological clock isn't ready to go into menopause.

I had menopausal symptoms before, because I was treated with Lupron. That medication, put me into a fake menopause, that was easily reversed. I realize that this will not be reversed. This is here to stay with me. I do have the option to go on very low dose estrogen, but I do not want to aggravate my organs. Even though the endometriosis is gone, the battered organs removed, it is still there, lurking; waiting to be awoken.

I am choosing to suffer through these sleepless nights full of neuropathic pain, to not wake up that monster again. I am choosing to stay away from red meat. I did have it for the past two nights, and I am paying for it right now. I will get back on my meatless (or no red meat, and minimal chicken) diet again tomorrow.

If the endometriosis is awoken, it will not have a part of reproductive system to cling to. That is what scares me the most. It was already in my liver. I know that is where it will return. It will return to that familiar setting that it has become aquainted with.

I know I am speaking about endometriosis as an entity, because it is one. This is a malevolent entity that had taken complete control of my life for at least fifteen years. I refuse to give it an inch back into my life now. I did not go through the surgery, only to invite this entity back in.

The disease that ravaged my reproductive system and stole any hope I had to become a biological mother, was never welcome. It was afflicted upon me, and I do not need to encourage it.

So is the case with having a hysterectomy. This is a learning lesson for sure.